One of the few downsides of living out in the countryside is the mobile signal – or lack of. Our current provider doesn’t seem to have one of those signal mast things anywhere near us so we can’t use our mobile phones (useful).

We have bought an array of signal boosters and we have routers coming out of our ears but still nothing. However, as with lots of problems in modern life – there is an ‘app for that’. So we now make calls and send texts via this app, which is a blessing. I’d be lost without my texts!

However this app only works with general texts and not with texts that may have a security issue, which is fair enough. I had the joyful task of completing my online TAX return just after we moved here. I love TAX returns just as much as I love spiders! Anyway, the site has recently upgraded its level of security, so now it asks for passport information, inside leg measurements, your GCSE grades and favourite holiday destination. Oh and it helpfully sends you a secret pin number via text message. You get so far into logging into the system and then you have to wait for the text to come through. We get a slither of a mobile signal right at the top of the garden in the far corner up the hill. I take my phone out into the garden, trek up to the top and stand there like an ejit with my phone in the air trying to attract some sort of invisible text laser beam from the mast that is a trillion miles away.

Of course today is a day where we don’t even get a spec of a signal. I call up the lovely TAX people, listening to various menu options and by the time I’ve got through to an actual human being my log-in screen has timed out. !@*!!*@!!!!!!!

Whilst searching for an app to help us with our phone signal issue we came across a ‘walkie-talkie’ app which comes in really handy when one of us is in the office or workshop. It’s super cool and works like a proper walkie-talkie – you have to press and hold a button on your screen whilst you talk. Now, this REALLY excites me as I’ve always had a secret wish to be a spy. Move over James Bond, Spy-Barbie is taking over! Anyway, as cool as this app is, it sometimes doesn’t work because of the lack of signal, but it does oddly store any conversation you have missed and plays back once it picks up mobile coverage.

I was fast asleep in bed last night when I was woken up by Mr G announcing that the “Tesco man is here”. WHAT!?! Have I woken up in the middle of a fantasy that I’ve not been aware of? Have I agreed to some bedroom extra-curricular activities and not remembered? As nice as the Tesco delivery man is, I don’t want to have him snugged up with Mr G and I. I gingerly ask Mr G what he’s on about and then we realise that the walkie-talkie app has picked up that slither of a signal from the mast in a galaxy far, far away and played back the call G made earlier to me today.

I fall back asleep wishing my Tesco delivery man was Brad Pitt, George Clooney, James Martin, Denzel Washington, Daniel Craig…