My inner compass is broken

I am well aware of my many faults/defects/lack of talent, which can all hinder me from time to time. For example, I cannot stick my tongue out and curl up the sides. My seven-year old can even do it! In fact I think most people can (apart from my good friend Helen which I found out the other day and just made me love her even more). I just can’t physically do it and it really frustrates me, but at least it doesn’t (usually) get in the way of my every day living.

But I also lack any sense of direction and this does have an impact on my every day life. I truly don’t have a smidgen of a sense of direction, even though I was in the Brownies AND the Girl Guides AND I can read a map, I still don’t have a clue where I am in relation to other places at any given time.

When out shopping I can come out of a shop and start walking back the way I’ve just come. I wouldn’t even realise until Mr G grabs me by the shoulders and steers me in the right direction.

It totally blows me away when people know where ‘North’ is at any given time. I stare at them in awe wondering how they just know this fact. In films when detectives are chasing ‘baddies’ and they shout directions like “He’s gone due-West”. How do they always know instinctively where to run off to? I’d have to stand for ten minutes (whilst I got a mobile signal) to open Google maps and then walk (OK I’d maybe trot, if I was after ‘baddies’) with it open in front of me. If it wasn’t for my lack of sense of direction I’m sure I’d have made it into MI6 (as I’ve mentioned before I’ve always wanted to be a spy).

Yes I know we all have Sat Nav in our cars, which is great, but to be totally dependent on it to get anywhere, is a little unnerving. I am going to be one of those people who end up driving into a river because the Sat Nav man told me to! I used to have a Sat Nav woman but last week it seemed to have had a sex change. No idea why or how. Perhaps she realised that men have an easier life.

Jen's map021.jpgAnyway, as the roads around here all look the same (little country lanes with trees and fields) this really doesn’t work in my favour. I’ve no idea where our house is in relation to the nearest town, Dr’s surgery, supermarket etc. So Mr G has drawn me my own special map. It’s basically in the style of the ‘Hundred acre wood’ map from ‘Winnie the Pooh’. There is; ‘Home’, Amelie’s school, post box, big road (main road through the village), village store, our wood, field with the wonky donkey in it. You get the picture. I’m just thankful you can get most things delivered to your door, otherwise we’d be living off our stock of blackberries!

As we are new to the area, we are very focused on getting Amelie settled into school and making new friends. So an important part of this is to partake in play dates. This is all fine when they come to our house, but when the invitation is returned and Amelie goes to their house I go into panic mode. What if I can’t find the house? What if I get totally lost and as we already know I’ve got zero mobile-signal around here, I wouldn’t be able to phone anyone. Streetlights are few and far between which isn’t helpful as it’s pitch black at 5pm and I’m not the best at driving in the dark. Putting it simply – I can’t see! It’s not my eyesight as that is perfect so glasses won’t help me. (Just to be clear I have MANY other imperfections). I need a pair of those night vision goggles. See, if I were in the MI6 I’d probably have a pair of those in the glove box of my gadget-filled, customised sports car that all spies are issued with. Perhaps I’ll give Daniel Craig a call to see if he has a spare pair…